Thursday, October 22, 2009

Borderline.

Under conditions of peace the warlike man attacks himself.


Raising questions, finding answers

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.



Maybe it can be attributed to wishful thinking.
Give it a name, take its power.

Know thine enemy.

Finally,

a means to begin my pseudo-Cervidae/Bovidae transformation.

I want hooves.
>_>


FML

There is this fucking THING on my face, this fucking blemish/scab/whatever, and it's driving me insane! Moreover, it's making me reluctant to see anyone. Go to markets? Sure why not. It's not like there are people there. Invite boyfriend? Sure, why not. You're not more than a little anxious about keeping up appearances at the beginning of this here new, vaguely unsteady relationship.
That's okay. It's not like you're panicking.

for the colder climates

c'mon man, it's boob scarf.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

things I learnt today

Dave Grohl drummed in this, AND she was that chick in What's Eating Gilbert Grape I couldn't quite put my finger on.
Ta-daaa!

So it turns out

I seem to use the roof of my mouth a lot more than I realised when eating lemony sorbet, and I am acutely aware of this now because I have a stupid cut and it's tangy and owwh.

Oh batwing garter belt

Be still my heart. <3

Well, you know what this means, don't you?

I'm doomed, now. I have to. I have no choice, now, unfortunately. My fate has thus been sealed.
I'm afraid I will someday have to bear disgusting, pink, fleshy, irreverent, horrid little spawn beasts because they have little hats like this for them.
True story.

all books should have pictures


"hurr durr, are you bisexual?"

I hate this question so much.
I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if I knew/met/am surrounded by more open minded and/or well informed people who can grasp the concept of alternative orientations, but I'm surrounded by ignorant rednecks, so...
Sometimes, I just give in, and go "yes, yes I am bisexual, thank you, GTFO"
but I just feel dirty, because I'm not bisexual, and as bad as it sounds, and apologies to the sincere bisexuals, but I hate feeling associated with the negative stigma attached to young women and bisexuality nowadays. Just because it's overused, very often silliness, and used to justify/enable promiscuity or impress/arouse/atttract guys. Which is fucking stupid. So I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to be bunched with that, yes?

uugh fuck. I'll edit this and post moar later. gonna lie down. blugkashikkawahh.

I kinda wish I'd stayed in the closet sometimes

I really wanna have a coming out party.

with rainbow cake! :D




coinage

1969, 1981, 1994, 1994, 1997, 1998, 1999, 1999, 2004, 2005, 2005, 2006, 2006, 2006, 2006, 2007, 2007, 2008, 2008, 2008, 2009

lol

It's kinda like marriage.

I remember when I first started eating Mi Goreng, I was so careful. Cook for so long, strain this much, and mix in sauces and powders in an order, be sure to get all of it from each sachet. Put them in one at a time, combine well, then the next. Rinse, repeat. Fuck, I even used to put on half the flavouring, turn it all over, add rest, ensure consistency.
Now, I just put it all in at once, stir, hope for best.
Where has the passion in our relationship gone, Mi Goreng?

I've become a sloppy lover.

Alliteration is fun!

1. Flirt
2. Frisky
3. Foreplay
4. Finger
5. Faceplant
6. Fuck
7. Finish
8. Forget
9. ????
10. FROFIT!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I'm real happy for you and Imma let you finish

but "How Soon Is Now" is one of my favourite songs ever. EVER!

Good god, woman, pull yourself together.

Yes, you may feel utterly repulsive. Yeah, you have for a few days, and I'll admit your self-esteem has gone completely down ye olde shitter. Yes, I'll concede that very inopportunely placed blemish doesn't help, and that you've had a few bad hair days must be doing your head in. Yeah, your life has spun out of control, your mum died, and you've been alienated from your family and friends. Okay, you don't have a whole lot going for yourself, between deploring your weight and sloth, but unable to muster the energy or motivation to change it, simply because what the point is hovers over your head. Yes, no school, no work, and fair weather sometimes friends. Yeah, you miss your boyfriend too? Hm, unfortunate. But looking the way you would, you wouldn't want to see him anyway. Unless it was in the dark, and maybe if he was looking just at the back of your head. Maybe.

20th October

In a week, it will have been 2 months. Two whole months, on the 27th of October.
Two months.
Two months?
... Two months.
How can that be?

If I could wish upon a star

I'd ask for a drug induced coma for a few years.

Please.

Monday, October 19, 2009

god I miss this show

Ohh, right

previous post was utter bullshit. hurr durr.

fuck I feel like shit.

I am so careful

Too careful.

Not careful at all.

Reckless, even.

I worry. I worry fervently. I toss and turn in my swallowing, enveloping worry, like being sucked in by a giant marshmallow. With a sinking, suffocating feeling (of marshmallow between toes.)
I worry about my actions sometimes. I stress over them, I agonise over my actions, drive myself mad, wondering about the social nuances, the conditions of my love, judgements, the repercussions, the thoughts of others, my own thoughts, global warming, taxes, sex, I worry about animal rights too. I try to be rational, try to be reasonable, and think with all my experience and what the media has taught me, what to do, and what not to do.
So I don't call him. I don't IM him and say "I don't want to be alone," nor do I go to her house and say "why is everything so weird between us?" and I don't ask him "do you just allude to suicide to get a reaction out of me?" and I don't ask him "will you kick me out if I don't do the dishes more often?" and I don't ask him "will you always love me now that you've got a new daughter?" and I most certainly do not ask him "if I told you I was leaving in a few months, would you want to end all this now?"
I don't know why I don't ask. I know I would never get the truth, even if it's only because so much of the fear is unfounded, and I would get laughed at. No one tells me anything, anyway.
My mum knew my kitty was sick. So very sick, and she didn't tell me.
And you know what, she knew how sick she was, too. She knew, she knew, she fucking KNEW, and she didn't tell me she knew she was on death's door.
I actually honestly thought that she'd still be alive now. But it's been like a month and three weeks and it doesn't feel real yet. Not at all.
I sorta imagine scenarios, saying to people "oh my mother passed away" and it feels like a lie. A soothing lie. Just a big blanket lie to avoid explaining a complicated series of interconnecting events.

ugh how did this post end up here.
fuck.

On a fluke

I can whistle, and it makes a cooing noise like a pigeon, and I miss my cat.

embed crazy!

<3

You know what?

FUCK YOU UNIVERSAL MUSIC GROUP

:(

the drums.

didn't I?

laziness? COMPROMISE!

I hereby declare this

LETS POST MUSIC BECAUSE SHANNYN IS LAZY DAY

YAYYY.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

<3

I live under a goose route

and every few days I'll sit on my fish talking chair and watch them fly overhead, in goose formation.

I always have a little niggling worry

in the back of my mind that every thought, action, word, however minuscule, could have created an alternate timeline where something does or doesn't happen. I am afraid of the smallest things - breaths, blinks, words, kisses, steps, head bobs - setting me up on a tangent to a destiny I don't want. I mean, I know, I can't comprehend the possibility of all the other universes, and in a way, I could have a million lives, and probably a good quarter would end with me having a fantastic life, but I will never know that life. I mourn what probably could never have come to pass, and if it did, I would still reap the rewards in another universe.
But the me in this one wants things to be good. :\

they looked like fungi.

You'll get your comeuppance one day,

Pervy Amputee.
Yes, I see you whistle at me from your chair every time I walk home from Zara's house. I see your stubs and I want to rip your fucking beard off.

jesusszhit I am cold.

Darn Zara's AC for working too well >_> ....

We had a good night last night. You should all know this. Revise it. There will be a test.
also I just wanna mark this as a landmark as my first post that I can think of created at someone else's house.
Oh, feels good, man.

I HAVE A LIFE. SUCK ON THAT.