something fishy

to appease the skinny Japanese girl inside me

underbust corset skirts are in order!

LET IT BE SO

Googlevomit.

"I should post, but I don't know what to post about"

"Do a post about me!"

"Okay, what about you?"

"Surprise me!"

=

Regards;/B/aaron

So here we are.

First post of the day, well after night has fallen.

I feel a distinct guilt I shouldn't for not posting, simply because I think "oh shit, I have inadvertently cultivated a negative attitude in myself that I feel obligated to post substantially every day" and that's a terrible thing to do.

Forced posts aren't worth posts at all.

In fact, this week appears to be an all time low.

ZOMG NO GUIZ

There is a sickness in my soul

I haven't felt this shit consistently for this long in what feels like ages.

Well over 24 hours.

Goddamn I hate this.

More saddened, than anything.

Ben made some blog post calling me a whore/bitch/slut, and that I hurt him

"But she didn't care. She treated me like dirt. Worse than dirt. She made me feel the way nobody should ever have to feel. She betrayed me."

and implied that I encouraged him to take the blame when I was upset, and he seems to have finally realised that nothing was ever his fault.

It pains me, because even though I knew we couldn't continue to be friends as he was, but I had hoped he would think of me kindly, and the time we spent together wasn't as horrible as he says.

So apparently I was BLIND! I was STUPID! to not fall in love with him as he did me. Because I don't do that, because it's not in my nature. Because I don't fall 20,000 fathoms deep under the sea BLINDLY STUPIDLY in love with STRANGERS, I am a bitch, and a whore, and a slut.

I don't understand how you can hate someone for just not loving you. Something Robi said (in all his infinite wisdom, that slimy bastard, quotes everything,) lingers in my mind, from just the other day (lol FB)

Robi Banerjee Well, I began, as all the beginners in love do, with the crazy notion that if I loved her enough she must necessarily respond.

Yesterday at 13:57 · Comment · Like

I wonder if Ben would feel any different if he knew I had never really loved anyone like I think you're supposed to. I mean, I don't know what you're supposed to feel. But what love should be, should be, I have never had. I wonder if I have the capacity to love. I feel so barren inside. Maybe I could have loved him, but... like this... I would never have wanted to. I could never feel devoted to someone, and pour my heart and soul into their heart and soul when I knew, at the back of my mind, that if I hadn't I would have been out the door on my ass in 20 seconds.

I guess I'm just disappointed. I've been called a lot of things in my time, so many of them deserved, so many of them warranted, some of them were just right. And so many more, completely unjustified. He is right, I wouldn't care about being called obscenities. I get that enough. But from him, but hurts. More than I feel it should.

He talks about betrayal, but quite frankly, I didn't see how I did.

I could understand his hate if for all those months (mere months, and he hates me!) I said "Ben, I love you, Ben, I am faithful, Ben we will be together," but I didn't. I told him I didn't want a relationship, most certainly did not want a long distance relationship, and I tried too hard to love him. But my mother was dying, and all the while since we had begun talking I was still regularly fucking Eddy because I don't know, he needed me, and I was grieving my mother before she died and I was grieving my life as I knew it, and before that, because Eddy and I needed something to do in the meantime when I was trying so hard to get out of his poor, sick heart.

But you just cannot make someone love you. You cannot bully them into it.

I did not cheat on him. Yes, I didn't handle it as well as I could have, but who does? I should have said from day 1, "Ben, I am not interested" but would it have even done ANY good? He admitted himself that if I had said from the beginning "I am gay, I only like girls" that he still would have pursued me. That was just so fucked, for me. He could "love" me, but he could not have mustered the respect to obey my wishes, to listen to me.

Listen to my warnings.

Because I did. I warned him. I screamed "GET OUT, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN" for so long. I maintained, "I will hurt you. Fidelity is not in my nature, and I am not even that devoted to you. I feed the chasm in me, both metaphorically and proverbially, feed my loneliness, with sex and people like you, but none of it sinks in, none of it matters to me," and he still fucking stuck around. I am so confused as to why he thinks there is anyone BUT himself to blame. I told him go back, wrong way, look at the signs, and still.

Still.

And he will misconstrue this as me lamenting his love now it has left me. Now that it has gone, I am inconsolable, because the one person who truly loved me and would do so forever just got fucking butthurt because I am not some mouldable, Play Doh wife. I don't want to be in your fucking picket fence bullshit future. I like tattoos, I like piercings, I am angry and volatile and electric. I don't even want to think about settling down for so many years. The idea of being with someone for 10 years and only being 26 terrifies me, arguably more than what can reasonably be expected. I don't want to get married, don't want to have babies, because I don't trust myself to be faithful for 2 years, let alone 40. I would rather die totally alone than be caged.

That's something. Very alone vs. just normally alone.

I just felt like a trapped animal with him. I could never endure a life with that.

I would rather die on the spot.

Honestly I was more upset when I dress I wanted on ModCloth.com was discontinued than when Ben deleted himself from my life. I miss him, but I don't miss the way he made me feel. I'm always going to miss him as a friend, and I thought and hoped that we could be friends, but knowing that all I would have to look forward to was his obsession and his venom and his needy bullshit? Again. Just die on the spot.

Then, I look at it another way. I don't know, he has this other chick, and if he's angry, he can hate me. If he can hate me, he can stop loving me. Maybe he can love her to spite me. Maybe his anger can give him fuel to achieve, to save his schooling. If he can focus his energies elsewhere, maybe he can salvage his life, which really wasn't that bad, and do so well. As well as I know he can.

It mightn't be the love he wants, but there's love there, and therein lies my compromise.

Best of luck to him.

Please, please, Ben. Stay away this time.

And what have we learnt, class? Yes! No one can force Shannyn's hand, and none can hold it.

I feel sorry for any unfortunate bastard that does love me.

No man's land

That is all I see.

I miss my territory. Places where I felt strong, felt safe, felt more comfortable than this.

I feel weak and exposed and alone everywhere, like a solitary figure in a flat, vast desert, a sand bar in an ocean. Bambi's mum.

I have no where to hide.

Bitches gonna get shot.

When have I felt lonelier?

When have I felt colder?

Never, I'll think.

Never have I felt so remote from them.

And him. Fuck him. I feel pathetic for it, but fuck him. Not even the decency to say a word, you fucker. Not a single word. And I want to say, "Brendan, you are a fucking asshole. I cared so much, and I gave so much, I offered my soul, and you were so closed off, so distant. You knew, and you knew how I felt, you knew what happened, and you could not say a word. Not. A. Word."

But he would just laugh at me.

Like always.

... Three years, about, I've done this, I've pined.

I was so hopeful.

Going back there was a mistake. Hopefully with both of my mainier accounts closed, I can move on. just... get out.

I felt so alone, so stupid, so snubbed, so angry and so full of grief.

I miss my friends, I miss my loves.

Nora, Aaron, Linh, Rach, Nafi, Shelley, Ryan, Wayne, even Richie, Robi, fuck even Leon, why not. I miss everyone over the years and years. I miss Ryan, I miss Raven, Heather, the blue kids, the ones I never knew but wanted to, Allen, Trendz, Rtheory, fucking Anthem, I wanted to marry her, SpM, osmoticdespair, Baron Samedi... so many people.

Even him. Most of all, him.

Fuck you, Brendan.

I just get called a drama queen.

I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I am up and it is nearly 5am and I am not tired. I will go clean my bathroom.

we won't be stopped.

Everything changes in an instant.

Something comes to rest in my stomach. A weight; heavy, dark, loaded.

Things slow. Sit still, cold. Cognition slurs and eases to halt, for a moment. Just a moment.

Look around. Slow blink. Slow blink.

Words; words forming in my head, finding their way to neon signs, lighting the sky, ignition, click, click, comprehension. A flash.

"Of fuck. What have I gotten myself into?"

[12:59] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: ill get my phone, tell you what she said to me
[12:59] hiiri.: ohkie.
[12:59] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: ok
[13:00] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: im putting my socks on, phone goes off with a message, i thought "wonder who it is" it was her, and she said "i need to talk to you"
[13:00] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: instantly, i knew what it was about, and i just dont fucking feel like dealing with her bullshit, so i said "no, you dont really"
[13:01] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: almost immediatly, she replies "yes i fucking do" then tries calling me, i missed the call cause i was putting my shoes on outside then went and talked to cassie, just asking me about uni and shit
[13:03] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: she then says "you drag me through so much fucking shit, threaten me about other guys make me feel like the worst fucking person in the whole fucking world, tell me your never going to stop loving me, bull fucking shit you wanker, and you move on so fucking fast i cant fucking believe you. fuck you aaron, shows how much you really fucking cared the whole time (more)
[13:03] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: your not the person i ever thought you were just a big fucking lie. cant even answer my phone call for fucks sake at least i hold some respect for you
[13:03] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: in those exact words by the way
[13:05] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: so i replied back saying "mariha, i dragged you through shit? take a look in the mirror before you start judging. you pushed me into shit on the constant, i couldnt get a straight answer, you couldnt get your priorities right. you told me to move on, so i have. you claimed what you wanted, so dont be a hypocrit and do it. get a new boyfriend, i dont care. do what you need. (more)
[13:05] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: if you knew me well enough, youd know my threats wouldnt happen, you just made me angry. call me weak, a waste of time, whatever, it doesnt phase me. your going to be like that, then dont reply to this
[13:06] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: sorry, before i replied she sent another since i was talking to cassie, she said "explain it aaron, come on, dont be weak, or just delete me from your life coz thats what your good at. your right, it was a big waste of time, i want to know"
[13:06] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: then i replied
[13:07] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: sorry about TL;DR also
[13:07] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: there is more
[13:07] hiiri.: it's okay...
[13:08] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: she eventually replied again saying " im in shock, i want to vomit, you cant even understand how i feel. i dont understand you, it, anything. i knew you would move on but it makes no sense this fast? to me i see it as heartless. like you lied to me. but it doesnt matter now. good luck. i was telling the truth when i thought we might be together again one day. i feel so stupid"
[13:10] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: i replied "lol, just lol. go on and vomit then, over dramatic much? and no, i didnt lie. and it also makes sense to me. and no, its not heartless, im doing what i want to keep me happy. there was a time when i thought you meant it, but i didnt anymore. telling me not to wait, so im not. it was never a simple answer with you, always a complication" she just replied with " lol " after that
[13:10] serendipity; dreamt of a world without life, woke up and you didn't exist: and i havent been bothered to since, but no doubt she will talk shit again on facebook later, so im going to finish it then
[13:10] hiiri.: I see.

Oh that dang girl, she's at it again!

DAAAAAAAAAANNNNNGGG

Mariha's new status; /facepalm.

about an hour ago · Comment · LikeHide

Mariha Moon Vous me rendez malade .

Kayla Roach

??

about an hour ago

Mariha Moon

french lol

53 minutes ago

Shannyn Virgo

Who makes you sick, Mariha?

34 minutes ago · Delete

I don't know or actually care who it's directed at, to be honest. It may have nothing to do with us. Yeah, we're an us now, we even made it official. Yay us. But it just irks me, because putting it out there like that, it seems so... ugh, like she's fucking calling me out. Those kinda FB status updates are a proverbial middle finger to me. I know, again, I shouldn't assume and I'm probably going to make an idiot out of myself if I pursue it, but fuck it. She just pisses me off sometimes.

so why not?

My Tonne of Bricks

Some things just knock me down, take the breath out of me. Spirit away my energy and I crumble, I fold, I am tissue paper to my bricks. So easily am I defeated, so easily am I crumpled, crushed. What flame I had is gone. Where is my fire, where is my soul, where is my fight?

Beneath a tonne of bricks, that's where.

Eating chocolate chips straight from bag?

Win?

Y/N

(the answer is yes, bitches. hell yes.)

Going to hell, taking you with me.

Bee v. human combat philosophy.

Variety is the spice of life

Not in the mood for the stock standard caucasian penis? Why not try a zombie uterus? Or a bedazzled, studded for her pleasure penis? Maybe even just a sweet pink uterus with her tubes tied?

C'MON GUYS THEY'RE FUCKING PIN CUSHIONS

WHY DO YOU MAKE GENITAL PIN CUSHIONS?

I'M SO RONERY

EVER SO RONERY

I HAV NO BODEEEE

TO CALL MI OWWWWNNN

I feel as though I kinda scare people away

when I get like this, especially after not seeing them for so long. :\

also Robi is right, I need a new profile pic. Pity I don't camwhore or have a means to camwhore like that vain bastard.

16 minutes ago · Comment · Like

Shannyn Virgo would rather not dream.

Joshua Haines

Dreams Are Everything when the real worl is a lie.!

15 minutes ago · Delete

Shannyn Virgo

The real world, essentially, cannot be a lie. The concept of "lies" and "truth" is subjective, and in turn, the way an individual perceives the world is unique to themselves. There is no universal truth, only interpretations. That said, it is impossible to disprove what another person sees. You see a duck, you say it's a duck, and another person will say "that is a dragon," and you really can't dispute that, because how do YOU know whether they see a dragon or not? You don't. How do you know it's not really a dragon, and your duck is an illusion? You don't.
There are no lies as such, just interpretations. We as a species have created lies to meet our own ends.
I want a dragonduck.

7 minutes ago · Delete

I wonder why I still dream like this

I really wish I wouldn't.

It just disturbs settled silt in my head.

Okay, yesss...

I can concede it is arrogant to basically assume something was directed at me, and be bothered enough by it to make a post, and normally I'd just retract it, but I see no point. My thoughts here are mine alone, and maybe even now I contradict myself with a disclaimer, but I can't take them out of my head, so why take them off here?

o rite is interwebz. >_> oh noes

See, you know what?

Fuck Facebook. Fuck the melodrama.

I know you've reached a very low point when you're posting about FB beyond "lololol look at my status quip" but honestly, why is everything utilised as a tool for this utter bullshit everyone insists on stirring up?

Everything we create, invent or dream is eventually used for meaningless petty shit!

First, Mariha adds me, which could be completely innocuous. We knew each other, we now have quite a few mutual friends, and assuming she doesn't suspect anything, it could be that she just stumbled upon my page, and the timing was merely coincidental.

But given what Aaron has said, her track record for remarks directed at people in her statuses and what she said within minutes of adding me, I feel as though she has done her snooping. Which, by the way, makes my stomach turn. Her keeping tabs on Aaron or myself just makes me feel lyk supa dupa ill at ease.

So

Hide

Mariha Moon There is something about you that makes me physically sick

35 minutes ago · Comment · Like

I know it is self-involved to assume anything is ever directed at you, on anything like this, be it statuses, blog posts, MSN names, whatever, and I am not saying "OHMYGOD GUYS I THINK THIS IS ABOUT ME" just simply that knowing she is not on pleasant terms with Aaron and that she does indeed profile stalk a bit, I don't want to become embroiled in their shit. Honestly I have enough of my own bullshit to just wanna GTFO when the possibility of more arises. That said, I'm going to do the right thing and I intend to stick by Aaron and support him as best I can in dealing with whatever she can throw his way, but I'm just hoping it's anti-climatic and we can all just settle down and forget all past crapola. Man it kinda makes you want to have never dated anyone prior.

Aaaaand then! Robi decides to resurface, as he does every now and then, and he's just being crude and I don't know why, but it bothered me. That he still latently pursues it, after his many tantrums, and despite many other potential conquests waiting, he never quite let me go.

I just ended up closing FB, made sure he was still blocked on MSN and pulled my knees up to my chin. There is so much trivial bullshit in this life I do not care for, things and people I want no part in but I am already so deeply mired, I couldn't get away if I tried.

I think I should just spend less time there. Find a new forum to take my mind off it. Spend more time on Chan, iono.

EAT MOAR FRUIT AND VEGETABLES

Why?
BECAUSE YOU'LL GET SCUUURRRRRVVYYYYY

"Don't stop being you"

he says. Don't stop doing what you do,
Don't stop moving like that,
Looking with those eyes,
Touching with those hands,
Speaking in that voice,
The part of those lips and the shudder in that spine,
Don't stop being the creature I see,
The creature with a heart in hushed tones
And a fluttering hunger below.
Don't stop, don't stop
"Don't change a thing;"
So don't change your kisses
So don't change the curl of your toes
Don't even change the things I don't notice.
Don't stop being you, he'll say.
Don't stop what you do,
Even if it isn't really you.

I was mistaken

But the beautifulterrible universe aligned
to create a beautifulterrible spine.

the weathered

Devolution

After so many months, to just regress feels like such a strange thing. Not alien, just... funny. To happen, so suddenly, like clicking. Flicking a switch. Just like that. Slipping down a notch. Something so familiar, so natural, so expected, a the same old hand sliding into the same old glove.
And why not?
It just seems like the order of things. A fact, a universal, immutable law.
The sky is blue, the grass is green, Shannyn is suicidal.
I can, at least, thank my lucky stars I had a comparatively brief reprieve. Those months, from the 21st of May to the 5th of October, I did not think about killing myself. It was not my first thought waking up, nor my last thought alone at night. It did not nibble at the edges of my consciousness, tempting, tantalisingly close. The idea of escape, of freedom, of silence and nothingness did not linger like smoke in the corner of my eye. The dream of being truly alone was not a dappled fleck of sunlight darting through leaves, through shadows. I tucked all my elaborate escape plans, to dive off the prison island and swim for land, inside a place deep inside myself.
I closed a door inside myself that day.
For 137 days I did not want to kill myself.
It was a good run, right? That's something, isn't it?
It was bound to happen eventually.

It comes back like a wave

crashing against a beach, delivering and retrieving debris.
It all rushes back around my ankles, rising, rising, disturbing the sand between my toes.
A solution.

Escape.

UGH FUCK

I have all these thoughts in my head, good thoughts, things with some semblance of intelligence and indicative of a shred of cognitive activity in my shell, and I can't articulate them. I cannot translate what I see in my head to this medium. It does not conform to words.

FUCK.

Hero of the Day

Some things are too huge to post.

Harvey James of Eegra. <3
actually fuck it I love everyone at Eegra

ESPECIALLY YOU PATRICK

tells it like it is

pg. 102

"Bright, beautiful, brilliant, billowy, blighted, blind, she thought as she meandered home, looking straight ahead with unseeing eyes. Yes, I'm all these things, I am so many things, so many of them good, some of them wonderful. I should know: I've been told nothing else my entire life, so how can it not be true? Yet it is as I have always suspected. All those things mean shit, for the world is full of beautiful, brilliant, billowy people. And so what? Ugliness is now inside me. Beautiful! What does beautiful have to do with anything? He does not want me. Everyone told me he was worthless and I was precious, but this worthless guy did not want precious me.

So if he was so worthless and still did not want me, how in this world could anyone worthwhile want me?"

dedication

ohhh snaaaaahp.

Remove

Shannyn Virgo Ooh, scissor me timbers.

33 minutes ago · Comment · Like

Julie Jones

Ohh?

13 minutes ago · Delete

Shannyn Virgo

Oh god it is likely you have no idea what that means.

I am SO sorry. .__.

10 minutes ago · Delete

Julie Jones

Uhm, actually never mind. >_> I read it quickly and thought it was one of your random poem things you come up with.. most of the time they have cool meanings. ._.

5 minutes ago · Delete

Shannyn Virgo

this one has a cool meaning, just not for you. .__.

5 minutes ago · Delete

Julie Jones

yeah. lol. .__.

4 minutes ago · Delete

Shannyn Virgo

okay let's not talk about it again.

2 minutes ago · Delete

Julie Jones

hahaha.. sure.

about a minute ago · Delete

Scissor me timbers

So I just spent the last hour looking at lesbian porn.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

So I had a scary dream

that one day all I did was post pictures on this blog. I am serious. I had a dream about picture spam posts.

Free Rice

A seamless marriage between boredom facilitating good deeds and vocabulary teasers.

loud rain? LOUDER MUSIC

HAHA FUCK YOU NATURE

I just have a thing for musicians.

Things I never thought I would have to say;

and may still not need to.

Eh. Gareth added me on Facebook, and I don't know if he knows yet. He has Brooke as a friend, and knowing Jan and their family, he might know, as I can't think of anyone else who would tell him. See, that's the thing. I can see myself for as much as the next year having to break old news to people I've not seen in forever. I don't know how to find the words to tell people who knew me as a little girl that their friend and my mother passed away. It just doesn't click in my head. The enormity of that reality or my duty itself.

I just... wow. I haven't seen this guy since I was 12, 13 at the latest, and that was passing him in Woolworths with his new wife and child. He pretty much lived with us for a while. I remember playing Scattergories with him, mum and Jaime. If he does not know, how would I find the pluck to say "lololol did you hear jane died"?

I will cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess.

if it's comfortable you're doing it wrong

I get this tingly feeling inside,

and it can only mean one thing.

I need a vintage yellow suitcase.

Like this or this.

I know what I said internet

and I find your variety endearing, but really?

http://titsofblood.com/

oh well. it's got tits.

Needless to say,

she was impaling the Eiffel Tower.

Internet I love you when you just drop things into my lap, like a loyal, incomprehensibly horrible sea monster with fair maidens and princess pussy. <3

"I tried to explain to her that I was merely
shooting the black forest ham."

"Her boyfriend was fond of
salting the active galactic nucleus."

"She earned her paycheck when she was
embracing the Mighty Thor."

Some things I just dread,

like taxes, steamed spinach and questions.

"So why do you have all those scars there, anyway?"

Public Service Announcement

ZE MOAR U KNO

so i herd

u wer my sunshine so i maed u my sunshine on dis plaque so u could b my sunshine while ur my sunshine.

The lines.

Zara went to the crate last night.
I actually didn't know what to say.
There was a sickening, falling feeling in me; a sink hole, an elevator drop.
I don't even know why it bothered me as much as it did.
I'd like to say it's entirely because I worry for her: I worry that they are incompetent drivers, that they are pigs who only want one thing, that she is too naive, it's not the kind of place she should be. All of which, to a degree, I thought, but if she is too naive, if she should not be there and if they are all pigs, why is it wrong for her to be there at 17 and right for me at 15?
Of course, it wasn't.
We never knew what was in the crate, but now all there is are memories. Of the car, the dirt hills, plywood, gasping for breath and that sinking elevator drop.
Does it bother me because I am afraid for her, afraid that the same things that happened to me will happen to her? Actually I don't even know why I say it like that, so victimised. I went and did voluntarily, I guess. But I'm sick, and I can live with the guilt and feeling of being used. I don't want her to have that.
Do I just envy her, that she gets to go back? After all this time, that she's in that place, a place, maybe my place, doing the circuit and climbing up that wire lattice? It was nearly a full moon, and it was a clear night, and it would have been wonderful out there last night.
I am angry at them. Angry that they'll corrupt her, my girl, the girl I loved and the girl I never quite felt right with in close close proximity. The most beautiful girl.
I am not a victim. It is not the anger or the fear of the violated.
Just the bitterness of the discarded.