Why couldn't I just say

"I love the thoughts, these thoughts, about Holland, and tulips and snowmen and the implied things we won't say, but that's all they are. Thoughts, intangible things, and when I dwell on them without you around, I am terrified. I am terrified of you when you are not around, and terrified of this. When we talk I can justify it. It's not scary to say 'let's have a dog named Sprinkles' together, but alone that is frightening. I can only say let's do all this when I'm with you, because you give me strength, but for hours while I turn things over in my head, alone in bed, I crumble, and I fear I do not have the strength alone to even consider a life beyond this. Beyond this. Beyond me and my fear of life. Everything I say, commit to, feels like a distant dream, something to entertain the thought of but never follow through. For so long I have bluffed, thinking I would never have to follow through with any of it. Now I am faced with a dichotomy that requires action.

Stay... or go?"

Stay here, or go and cease to exist?

God wouldn't you just be so pissed at me if I killed myself.