[18:21] hirviö.: I'm scared that I'm so desperate to have something that is mine, that hasn't been touched by the death that has poisoned everything in my life, to have something so I don't feel alone, something not burdened by my mistakes, that I'll do things that are not me. I just want someone to look at me without the judgement or pity. It's valid, and it's not forced, but... I feel like I'm running away. everyone is getting on my case about not wanting to even hear about the will, or the money, or anything, not getting a job, not cleaning, just trying to sleep away and spend all my time here, trying to feel better. I miss my mum.
[18:22] hirviö.: everyone is mad at me
[18:22] hirviö.: I am just pissing everyone off with my stupid grief because how am I expected to move on?
[18:22] hirviö.: this rut I'm in, I've been in it for years
[18:22] hirviö.: everyone just expects me to jump out with a spring in my step
[18:23] hirviö.: she has been gone just over a month
[18:23] hirviö.: that is so short a time
[18:23] hirviö.: it's not very long at all
[18:23] hirviö.: everyone else has lives to be immersed in
[18:23] hirviö.: everyone can forget
[18:23] hirviö.: but I'm alone all day
[18:24] hirviö.: all day with nothing to think about but how empty I am
[18:24] hirviö.: people ask "oh what are you doing with yourself?"
[18:24] hirviö.: and I say "oh I paint, I bake, you know"
[18:25] hirviö.: but I just sit here all day and cry and surf and talk to people about everything but this fucking blackhole in my universe.
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