Just... mehhhh. >_> Big nonsensical rant up ahead.
Iono, all last week, probably from the Saturday night after Aaron got home from bandly things and we were talking, it just felt... icky. All week, talking on MSN, and then when we finally saw each other on Thursday, it was awkwardy and, iono... I knew I was a bit off colour, and maybe he was just picking up on my bad vibes, or his bad vibes were completely imagined, but we both just seemed more reserved, like in the space of an afternoon we'd erected these walls for no good reason. Conversation was slow and tense and it felt like a chore at times, no question game...
I don't know. I couldn't be sure if it was just an idiosyncratic shift, and it would have been presumptuous to ask if everything was okay, and even then, it's likely he'd say nothing was wrong, and I don't want to be the person that doggedly pursues the question with people they don't know like the back of their hand. I mean, he wasn't visibly distressed, so of course it's most likely it's all in my head.
Fuck. I'm a bad girlfriend, I think. I need to meet him halfway, grow the fuck up and get out of these bad habits. I don't wanna continue my passive agressive bullshit. I don't know. I'm torn between censoring myself, and laughing it off when he asks me what's bothering me, and being as honest as I should be, and letting him in, but unfortunately, there is so much very wrong with me, and I'm not exactly jumping through hoops for him to realise how fucked up I am. Yeah, you can do that whole "no one is without their problems" shit but I'm afraid I'll scare him away, which is a bit stupid, I know. Because despite the fact he's said numerous times when I have confided in him about aspects of my mental wonkiness that he would support me, and that it doesn't bother him like that, and it's more worry than anything, I still freak out. I still want to hide bits of myself from him. I'm just trying to swim against the current. What I think could be saving the relationship is probably just causing new stress because we're both frustrated about what is wrong with me, and how do we interact with it? How do we fix it, fix her, do we want her fixed? He likes me how I am. People like me as I am. I think it's all bullshit when they wish I'm better, or if they realised what that entailed they'd change their tunes. I don't even know what better me is like, but I know so much of what I am has been grown like cultures in cheese by my myriad of mental ickinesses. If I were to heal, what makes me intrinsically me would also change. And who wants that, amirite?
Again, we are faced with the realisation that for the people that love me and their reasoning, my well-being takes a back seat to their self-indulgence, because as erratic and antagonistic and terrible as I am now, they understand this that I am. I understand it, to a degree, too. Once you understand the mechanisms of something, you can manipulate it. It's how I function. I observe, I prod, I learn, understand, and I manipulate. But on second thoughts, not everyone is quite as bad as I.
I've totally gone off the point.
Wow, I can feel the sub buzzing the chair my foot is resting on, and my heel is freaking out. Wicked.
I guess just last week, I didn't want to be too forward, and I had no idea how to broach the subject. For all I knew, his silences (and my silences) and his reservations (and my reservations) could have been just him. A part of his nature, and realistically, doesn't matter how much we talk, how well I know some aspects of him, only time can tell on some things. It was bound to come up eventually, I suppose I just hoped that by then I'd have the good sense to know the difference.
But how well can you ever know a person? How can we ever know what's in their heart? I wish I knew what that was behind his eyes, but no matter how much, or however which way you love a person, you'll never know. I will never know.
/rant
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