I've always maintained

that I would be a terrible mother, simply because I felt I was too selfish, too lazy, too self-absorbed, with too little love to give a child. And children, they need so much love.

But, thinking now, while I still doubt my capacity to love like I should, I think someday I could be a mother. An okay mother. Maybe a good mother.

My life has just revolved around the looming thoughts of motherhood for a while. What kind of a mother my mother was, what it means to be a mother, what mother she was to me, and what the lack of a mother is. With Ana, god bless her, and her longing for something to love so absolutely, to have what she has been denied. Even fucking Tully.

I think someday I could be an okay mother.

I go over it in my head.

I tried last night when I was staring at the ceiling for the two hours that I did, to think of a scenario. An ideal life.

I think I would like to have both. A son and a daughter. That's crazy to even say. Two. Two little people. Two little people, and I'd live in Holland. They would be bilingual, and I would have a house, a cosy house, colourful inside, with a big kitchen. I would cook for my children, I could pack lunches. Show them how to bake. Send them off to school. During the day I would sit in my home studio painting, and wait for my children to come home. In the winter we make snowmen, and snow angels. During the spring and summers in the Netherlands, we go bicycle riding along the many paths, through green hills, with tulips and windmills. Have a summer house in France, maybe. I would paint their bedrooms with murals, sew them clothes and blankets, shower them with love.

I think to myself, I can understand why anyone would. It's so simple.

It is. It's just simple. Motherlove is so far off from romantic love, without the complications. Unconditional, absolute, engulfing, immutable. Massive. Overwhelming.

I don't need a husband for my two children. We could just be happy in Holland with packed lunches and snowmen.

But I might want one.

OH GOD SOMEONE TELL MY UTERUS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS DISGUSTING UGH FORGET I SAID ANYTHING THIS IS FOUL. DUDE WHAT THE FUCK. I HAAAATE CHILDREN.