I'm an idiot. I made myself look like a dick and allowed him a position of power, which I hate. I know I seem to be a bit of a control freak, but control is what I need to be calm.
I asked Ben if he wanted to catch up while I was Melbourne, because, despite it all, when everything wasn't so caught up with his shit about me, we were good together. We had good conversations, we got along, and when I didn't feel the pressure, he was a good friend. Selfish, a part of me knows, because it could still be very detrimental to both of us, but trying to rationalise it, I guess I hoped we could just hang out, without complications, but that's stupid because he can't get the fuck over himself.
Shannyn Virgo wrote:
> Uh, I know it might be counter productive to email you, and if you
> want, ignore this. But, I just wanted to know when you'll be in
> Melbourne. I am going to be there for a week within the next few
> months, and despite everything I'd like to see you, if you're around
> and feeling up to it. I get to choose the dates for my flight, so it's
> still up in the air.
> I hope you're doing okay.
>
> <3<#> Shannyn
to which he said:
"I'm just scared I'll return to what it was like when we were "together".
You have a boyfriend now.
I'm not sure I could handle that.
Let me think about it a bit more."
lolololol, "together"
and bullshit if he thinks anything would happen if I didn't want it to.
and he blogged
"This morning I found an email from Shannyn. She's coming to Melbourne. Soon. She wants to meet up.
I don't know that I could. She still has a boyfriend. I can't handle that. Seeing her, physically would make it real. I can't handle that. I don't want to go back to the way I was. Back to the miserable, confused wreck I was. And I was a wreck.
I loved her, and she broke my heart. More than once. I'd love to see her, to hold her. To try and make things work. But I know that doing so would be the biggest mistake of my life.
No. I can't do it. I can't go back to her."
Goddamn, people like this shit me off. He's just like Emily. I fucking hate that shit. And I don't care if I sound unreasonable. Just... when people put themselves above me, just because they think they had the last fucking word. Like I'm begging, and he's crawling back to me. It's not as though I have a problem with being refused, even though it doesn't happen that much, but when people do that bullshit like "no I have to stay away, foul temptress" when it's not my fucking intention at all. I wanna be friends. If you can't keep your fucking head in check, that's your problem. Don't put me down because you can't handle me. Get the fuck over yourself, acting like if we hang out, our individual resolve will crumble. Cocksuckers.
He emails me saying "No," and that's fine. I mean, whatever. Conditional love. We might have been really good friends, but because I'm in a relationship, it doesn't count for shit, so fuck him.
"Fine, suit yourself. But honestly Ben, I don't think you'll have another chance.
See you on the flipside.
I won't ask again."
... fecking cocksuckers.
... I'm not upset about getting snubbed. Right. Okay, cool.
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