More saddened, than anything.

Ben made some blog post calling me a whore/bitch/slut, and that I hurt him

"But she didn't care. She treated me like dirt. Worse than dirt. She made me feel the way nobody should ever have to feel. She betrayed me."

and implied that I encouraged him to take the blame when I was upset, and he seems to have finally realised that nothing was ever his fault.

It pains me, because even though I knew we couldn't continue to be friends as he was, but I had hoped he would think of me kindly, and the time we spent together wasn't as horrible as he says.

So apparently I was BLIND! I was STUPID! to not fall in love with him as he did me. Because I don't do that, because it's not in my nature. Because I don't fall 20,000 fathoms deep under the sea BLINDLY STUPIDLY in love with STRANGERS, I am a bitch, and a whore, and a slut.

I don't understand how you can hate someone for just not loving you. Something Robi said (in all his infinite wisdom, that slimy bastard, quotes everything,) lingers in my mind, from just the other day (lol FB)

Robi Banerjee Well, I began, as all the beginners in love do, with the crazy notion that if I loved her enough she must necessarily respond.

Yesterday at 13:57 · Comment · Like

I wonder if Ben would feel any different if he knew I had never really loved anyone like I think you're supposed to. I mean, I don't know what you're supposed to feel. But what love should be, should be, I have never had. I wonder if I have the capacity to love. I feel so barren inside. Maybe I could have loved him, but... like this... I would never have wanted to. I could never feel devoted to someone, and pour my heart and soul into their heart and soul when I knew, at the back of my mind, that if I hadn't I would have been out the door on my ass in 20 seconds.

I guess I'm just disappointed. I've been called a lot of things in my time, so many of them deserved, so many of them warranted, some of them were just right. And so many more, completely unjustified. He is right, I wouldn't care about being called obscenities. I get that enough. But from him, but hurts. More than I feel it should.

He talks about betrayal, but quite frankly, I didn't see how I did.

I could understand his hate if for all those months (mere months, and he hates me!) I said "Ben, I love you, Ben, I am faithful, Ben we will be together," but I didn't. I told him I didn't want a relationship, most certainly did not want a long distance relationship, and I tried too hard to love him. But my mother was dying, and all the while since we had begun talking I was still regularly fucking Eddy because I don't know, he needed me, and I was grieving my mother before she died and I was grieving my life as I knew it, and before that, because Eddy and I needed something to do in the meantime when I was trying so hard to get out of his poor, sick heart.

But you just cannot make someone love you. You cannot bully them into it.

I did not cheat on him. Yes, I didn't handle it as well as I could have, but who does? I should have said from day 1, "Ben, I am not interested" but would it have even done ANY good? He admitted himself that if I had said from the beginning "I am gay, I only like girls" that he still would have pursued me. That was just so fucked, for me. He could "love" me, but he could not have mustered the respect to obey my wishes, to listen to me.

Listen to my warnings.

Because I did. I warned him. I screamed "GET OUT, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN" for so long. I maintained, "I will hurt you. Fidelity is not in my nature, and I am not even that devoted to you. I feed the chasm in me, both metaphorically and proverbially, feed my loneliness, with sex and people like you, but none of it sinks in, none of it matters to me," and he still fucking stuck around. I am so confused as to why he thinks there is anyone BUT himself to blame. I told him go back, wrong way, look at the signs, and still.

Still.

And he will misconstrue this as me lamenting his love now it has left me. Now that it has gone, I am inconsolable, because the one person who truly loved me and would do so forever just got fucking butthurt because I am not some mouldable, Play Doh wife. I don't want to be in your fucking picket fence bullshit future. I like tattoos, I like piercings, I am angry and volatile and electric. I don't even want to think about settling down for so many years. The idea of being with someone for 10 years and only being 26 terrifies me, arguably more than what can reasonably be expected. I don't want to get married, don't want to have babies, because I don't trust myself to be faithful for 2 years, let alone 40. I would rather die totally alone than be caged.

That's something. Very alone vs. just normally alone.

I just felt like a trapped animal with him. I could never endure a life with that.

I would rather die on the spot.

Honestly I was more upset when I dress I wanted on ModCloth.com was discontinued than when Ben deleted himself from my life. I miss him, but I don't miss the way he made me feel. I'm always going to miss him as a friend, and I thought and hoped that we could be friends, but knowing that all I would have to look forward to was his obsession and his venom and his needy bullshit? Again. Just die on the spot.

Then, I look at it another way. I don't know, he has this other chick, and if he's angry, he can hate me. If he can hate me, he can stop loving me. Maybe he can love her to spite me. Maybe his anger can give him fuel to achieve, to save his schooling. If he can focus his energies elsewhere, maybe he can salvage his life, which really wasn't that bad, and do so well. As well as I know he can.

It mightn't be the love he wants, but there's love there, and therein lies my compromise.

Best of luck to him.

Please, please, Ben. Stay away this time.

And what have we learnt, class? Yes! No one can force Shannyn's hand, and none can hold it.

I feel sorry for any unfortunate bastard that does love me.